So, I was going to write 100 things about myself, but I doubt you want to read that as much as I want to write it so I will share 13 good, funny and embarrassing things about myself. Laugh, cry and smile. Go ahead, do it at my expense. Then lets move on and forget I wrote them. And in the meantime, thanks to everyone who has ever visited my blog and commented, you keep me blogging, please don't stop, well, unless you want me to shut up. Here goes nothing.
1. Yes. Pregnancy makes your feet bigger. Since 2005, I have gone from a size 10.5 to a size 11.5-12. I do not like this development but my husband secretly cheers, jumps up and down and hangs on to the extra dollars we have saved. Have you ever tried to find cute shoes in a size 11.5 or 12? Hard to come by. When I tell him I'm going shoe shopping he quickly says, "Go buy whatever you want honey." And then snickers as I walk out the door.
2. I watched the movie Fatal Attraction at a slumber party with my school swim team in 1989, (I think) and got so freaked out by the end,the part when you think she is dead and she jumps out of the tub with the knife, that I peed my pants. Oh please, like you haven't done that before.
3......And I've done it twice. But I won't bore you with those details the second time around. Anyway, so let's move on...
4. I am terrified of elevators. My husband says the fear isn't the funny part. The funny part is how I react, or used to react, having kids has tamed down my response. According to him, "I act petrified and turn white, (which if you've seen me its hard to do). And if the elevator makes stops to long, I plug my ears and gasp, like we're stuck."
5. I am a hypochondriac and during my pregnancy with our third, I was nervous, having thought I wasted my luck with the previous two pregnancies. And during the first time they try and find the heart beat ever with the little Doppler device thing. I held my breathe, crossed my fingers and hoped that everything was okay, and it didn't end there. Well, it took him a while to find the heart beat and after what felt like half an hour, which was probably 1 minute or so, I frantically looked at my doctor and asked, "You can't find the heart beat?" And as I was about to freak out and yell, "the baby's dead!", no exaggeration, he found the heart beat. Imagine that story he'd be telling the office If I had time to blurt that one out? I'm surprised he didn't commit me on the spot.
6. When I was young we were at swim meet in North Dakota, and out to diner. I had to impress my table of my friends with my Popeye impression, winding up my arm, I think I was 12. And well, I failed to look first and hit the waitress behind me who was holding a tray of hot chocolate. It went everywhere, including all over her. I remember the look on my parents faces who were completely horrified and I am sure if at that point someone asked them if I was there daughter, they would have looked behind them and then at eachother and shook their heads in unison.
7. When I first got my driver's permit, we were again, at a swim meet at LaSalle University and my parents let me go alone to get the parked car and drive it around to the front of the natatorium. Well, the parking space in front of me was empty and I just pulled forward, without paying attention to the fact that the parking spaces were divided by those cement barriers. The car got wedged. Seriously wedged. And it took 4 other swim dads to jack the car up and get it, off the block. When I walked up without the car my mom, just about went into cardiac arrest and yelled, "what happened? did you break the car?" To which I replied, "I didn't break it. It's just stuck." If looks could kill, I would have been dead.
8. Three months after I had John I went to my son's school for a class party and the school nurse asked when I was due. I don't know if that's embarrassing or just wrong. But in my head, I grabbed her hair, slapped her, pushed her to the ground and stomped my foot on her back. In reality, I smiled, sucked up my pride and walked away.
9. When I was pregnant with George, we visiting my parents house and my contractions started so my husband went to take a nap in the other room to get rady for a long night of labor. I went to sit on the couch with my mom, when I got up to go to the bathroom or so I thought, it was like a balloon popped and my water
10....as we were getting in the car to go to the hospital, my dad was helping me in. My husband was getting in the car and my dad was putting my bag in the back seat, behind me. As I was getting in the car, because I was as big as a house and felt like I had a bowling ball between my legs, I had to hoist myself in by holding onto the stile between the two doors. He closed the back door and slammed my hand in the door. Needless to say, at midnight in an uber quiet neighborhood I yelled an obscenity that sent lights flying on and I immediately forgot about my contractions. I went to check in at the hospital and said, "I'm in labor and I think my hand is broken."
11. Yes. I have a mouth like a trucker. I think I learned it from my brief stint in private school, go figure. I'm not proud of it and I try to do it less, but I can let obscenities fly with the best of them. I don't swear in public, like that makes it better. When I was pregnant my dad used to joke, at least I think it was a joke, "That I had the mouth of a trucker and the ass of a truck."
12. Ok. I love my kids more than anything in the world. But I have those moments, you know the ones, when you hair is on end and your vain is popping out of your neck. These are the moments when my kids may lead me to drink or eat a really big chocolate cake all by myself. These are the moments when I think my husband may come home from a long day at work and find me sitting in the closet banging my head against the wall. These are the days I send my husband texts like, "You're lucky your kids are still alive." and "They are going to lead me to drink."
13. This would horrify me even now. But when I was two I would go to the grocery store with my mom and upon seeing little old ladies, I would point and yell, "Witch!" That leaves me shuddering me just thinking about it.
If you enjoy me, follow me, stop back and visit sometime and I'll make sure that I'll do the same for you. Wouldn't it be great? 100 posts and 100 followers! Now that's what I call a celebration.
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